S. Y. Shin 간증

Hi, my name is S Shin and compulsive gambler. It's been one years and 17 days since I put my last bet.
About two weeks ago I celebrated my GA first birthday at the Orange County Self-Help Center. Today I'm going to share with you guys my own experience in recovery and the importance of practicing a certain suggestions and guidelines from the GA literature. GA literature might be a little different from those of other 12 step groups in some details. However, I strongly believe that since the nature of all addictions are identical, regardless what someone might say, this sharing will help both my and your recovery. While doing this, some of my testimony might be sounded boastful to some of you. But I'm not boasting any of my recovery because now I very well know that the pride is the weakest spot for me. And complacency is the one thing I should avoid with any price. And by any means, I’m not an expert on the 12 steps program. I just begun my journey. First of all, I like to introduce myself. I'm one of those people who tried countless vain attempt
to prove I could gamble like other people. The idea that somehow, someday I will control my gambling is the great obsession for me for a long time.1 Only if I can master the art of handicapping, only if I have a gut to unload on one bet, if only I have a cool to cut loss and to ride with the whim of gambling god; those were my every day prayers. But I failed miserably every time. I might look like an average Joe today on this podium. But when I wear my gambling suite, I'm completely different person; I have to have what I want despite of cost. Because I've been around gambling scenes enough time all around places ( I constantly gambled more than 20 years), I've heard lots of horror stories about gambling addiction; people lost their houses, businesses, life savings, whole families, and in some extreme cases their freedom and
lives; gamblers also file up unrepayable amount of debts with ridiculously high interests and with same ridiculously bad contingencies. Compare to those guys, it seems that I am in a better 1Gamblers Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous p.2
shape; I did not lost millions of dollars; I did not lost my family; I did not end up in jail; and I'm still breathing. However, in terms of obsession to gambling, I always think myself that ‘'nobody gambles like me.' I usually call myself an action junkie. I have to be being in action all the time.

My gambling has never been about money. It always has been about action. I liked gambling from as far back as I can remember. I like everything about gambling; I like gambling jargons; I collected gambling memorabilia; I still have about fifty or so of all sort of books on gambling in my house; I like to read about it; I like to listen handicapping shows on radio on weekends; etc. In other words, my obsession to gambling is unfathomable. I don't know why this happened. It might be a genetic thing. It might be some remnants of childhood trauma that I do not recall. It might be a family thing. However, the important thing is that whatever caused it, it does not matter now. Because, what I got is what I got. Like someone said we cannot change your past. Just some days ago in internet I encountered newspaper article saying guys who played with me
and my wife before won big prize at the Berlin film festival. I could not read that article. I just closed browser. It hurts so much and you know why. Even then, the idea of gambling as a way of getaway or a way of revenge flashed in my mind. That is how sick I am.
There have been tons of situations when I should not gamble but I did anyway. I'll share one of such an incident with you guys. About five years ago, I tried to finish my degree which I could not finish before due to my gambling addiction. It was supposed to be nice and cozy two nights and three days trip. But I even did not see professor’s face again due to my gambling. Just seeing him was the only thing I needed at that time. I still haven’t finish degree yet. Gambling just took over me. When I touched down at Columbus, OH, it was during powerful snowstorm. Despite , as soon as I got my rent car, I drove to Beulah Park where they have simulcast horse racing. I played till last race and exhausted. I promised myself that I’m going to go see him tomorrow. And next day I drove to the place near Ohio River called Sunrise, Indiana where they have River boat gambling. I spent whole three days on gambling while procrastinating something I should do. That was one of my repeating life story. Even if I lost all of my future opportunities due to gambling, until last year when everything busted together, I never really admitted the real source of the most of my problem was gambling. Because I loved my gambling so much, I do not wanted to blame this broad for anything. Because I loved my gambling so much, I wanted to protect this lady with any cost. Because I wanted to be with her till the end of the time. I wanted to do two things at the same time; impossible task, bringing together opposite ends of a magnet.
Let me briefly explain the kind of muck I was in when I first knock the door of GA this time. When the year 2010 was arrived, somehow I was agitated and excited. Without any reason, I felt like something good is going to happen. In Dickensian term, it turned out to be the best of time and the worst of time. My mom died February 1st without any warning. Due to permanent resident process I could not attend the funeral. And while my wife and second daughter was gone, I gambled heavily. I found a way to manipulate Youbet.com account and gambled like there was no future during a week span. After ups and downs, the end results was same. Not only I lost my own pocket money but also I owe them tons of money that I should settle by coming Monday. Situation is quiet different this time. It could have been developed into a criminal case. I needed the money quick and the only way I knew was through gambling; my last bet was $48 early Pick Four at the Golden Gate Field. I got the first leg but at the second leg 50 to 1 shot came in and I didn’t have it. And that was it; I got defeated. On next day my wife and kid came back with some surprising news and I do not have anywhere to headed for. The atmosphere in my house was unbreathable. I was choking myself. That was the bottom for me.
I checked the internet and fortunately found 7:00 PM Sunday meeting and my long anticipated recovery has begun.
But It has not been easy cruising either; the direct result of days without gambling is financial improvement. Like book says financial problem is the easiest to solve. The most difficult and time consuming problem which I have to face is that of bringing about a character change within myself.2 Anyway, improving financial situation gives me a room for breathing, an opportunity for making a bet. As soon as I heard that Dallas Cowboy fired their head coach back in last November, I knew immediately Cowboys are going to cover their next game. I checked the schedule, which I shouldn't do, and found out that they are going to play against Giants at the Meadowland; they are going to be a huge dog since Giants was playing very well at that time.

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I haven't check the betting line but my guess was between plus 7 1/2 and 10 1/2; actually it was plus 10 1/2. Cowboys won the game outright; of course they covered. And their win is translated into plus 550 in money-line that means you could have won about 5 times of whatever your bet. I could bet $ 500 at that time because I had $500 that was disposable at my will. I could have doubled my money. Or if I put my money on money-line, I could have won about $2500. But I'm glad I did not do it. There is no regret at all. Because I know if I won that bet, it certainly would open the hell gate once again. At that moment of temptation, I talked out myself from the disaster in this way; I asked myself that what a grand would make any difference in my life at this moment. And again I asked myself how much money will make any dent in my life?
Answer was about a quarter million. Can I win that much? No absolutely not. So that was the end of discussion. I'm not like some GA members who gambled once or twice and turned right back to the program. Once I started, I have to see whatever bottom is. I would not come back till I felt gambling defeated me. Thanks for listening all sort of craps. From now on, I want to share how practicing guideline in page 17 of so-called GA combo book is helping my recovery.

1. Attend as many meetings as possible per week. meetings make it. Before I began this new recovery, I always thought that ‘one meeting a week’ is enough dose for me. Even if I heard and knew phrase like ‘hundred meeting in hundred days’, that wasn’t for me anyway. But meeting has a magical power that eludes my explanation. It heals and restores you. Reading same book over and over again, listening same story over and over again, meeting same guys day after day; sometimes this sort of thins make you angry and nervous. However, I realized that sitting through those meetings despite of your preference is what I really needed.

2. Telephone other members as often as possible between meetings. Use the telephone list. I’m not big fan of telephoning to anybody. At one stretch, I even did not call my parents and wife more than three months. Somehow making phone call is not only bothersome but also frightening for me. I eventually realize that this unfounded and unreasonable, and sometimes uncomfortable feeling is based on the fear of socializing. A lot of gamblers say the action replaces sex, but I really think they mean gambling replaces relationships and a fear of socializing. In my opinion, all compulsive gamblers are loner and sociopath in their core. Gambling has been our best friend. Like combo book says “the only time I felt like I belonged was when I was gambling. then I felt secure and comfortable . No great demands were made upon me. I knew I was destroying myself, yet at the same time, I had a certain sense of security.” 3 So making phone call is not only about seeking help when a gambling urge attacks you but also about breaking your old life style and phobia. And a comradery between callers became incomparable. Now I have a calling partner who reside in Arizona, a old white catholic guy who drives tour bus. We call each other at least two, three times a month and whenever he drove his tour bus to Orange County I went down to his motel and pick him up to meetings. About year and half ago, if anybody predicted we were going to be friends, everybody would say that guy is certified nut. We are so different but because of the same bondage, we are so close at heart. Making phone calls did not go without problems; some guys wanted to talk forever; other guys wanted me listen only; and some wanted to lecture all the time. I, as a people-pleaser by nature (another symptom of being compulsive gambler), just played with them at first and I

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started to avoid some phone calls. But I overcame and little by little and eventually I have learned how to cut off phone call as well as how to make phone calls. Because foremost of all it is all about my recovery and, as it sounds selfish, ‘ME’ always should be at the center of anybody’s recovery. I’m learning life skills I never had by using telephone list.

3. Don’t test or tempt yourself. Don’t associate with acquaintances who gamble. Don’t go in or near gambling establishment. Don’t gamble for anything. I do not have any gambling buddies. In truth, I do not have any normal ‘friend’ except a few fellow recovering addicts either. Or, it might have been ‘never have had any friend’. So I never have any situation to choose between whatever friendship and recovery. But I still got too many e-mails, regular mails and promotion offers and etc. Those are acquaintances who gamble and gambling establishment for me; things I should avoid

4. Live the Gamblers Anonymous Program one day at a time. Don’t try to solve all your problems at once. I have a quiet unorthodox view on this ‘one day at a time’ thing but it still helps me. You may call me as being morbid and pessimistic. But I know in such a way I am cursed with gambling spell that I cannot be free from till the end of my days. Our days are numbered. If it is not, one day at a time would not work for me; for me one day without gambling means one less remaining days to gamble; one day without gambling means one less remaining day to damage myself and my family. As much as I want to promise to myself, I just try not to look into the deep future. I do not have goal in setting at least in recovery; just carving out one day at a time till the end.

5. Read the Recovery and Unity steps often and continuously review the Twenty Questions. Follow the steps in your daily affairs. These steps are the basis for the entire Gamblers Anonymous Program and practicing them is the key to your growth. Get involved and be of service.
I’ll just skip the first part because it states very clearly what to do. (again, practice is the key.) I think getting involved and being of service is not an extra curriculum but an essential part in our recovery. Right now I’m the secretary of Friday 10:00 AM meeting at OC. I was half-forced into the position because no one was willing to do at that time due to various reasons. However,
it turned out to be one the most blessed and grateful thing ever happened to me. Of course, being of service dose not guarantee you that you are not going to relapse. However, it make you accountable. I’m trying to attend as many GA social events possible; intergroup meetings, picnics,softball social; fund raising etc.

6. Get a sponsor.
If there are two pillars in practicing 12 steps, I would say that they are the steps itself and sponsor. It is very hard to practice 12 steps by oneself. Believe me, I’m pretty intelligent person but I have had very tough time understanding concept of 12 steps. I read them over and over again but it just seeping through my hand. In addition, understanding and practicing are completely different process. It is like this; you might accumulate tremendous knowledge about Bible but knowing Bible and believing in Christ and living as a Christian are altogether different matter. When it comes to this practicing part sponsor can help you. Maybe partnership with sponsor is the only way to start the 12 steps. Each sponsor has their own method. Just shut up and do whatever they want us to do. That is one of the key to recovery. Doing something sponsor wants me to do has been cumbersome, bothering, painful, and sometimes boring process. However, again, I believe that doing something we don’t want to do; listening something we don’t want to listen; following rules we don’t want to follow is one necessary medicine for all of us addicts. Because so long we have lived life style of ‘my way is the way.’ As I look at Gilgal as well as other Korean recovery groups, I think, the biggest challenge we are facing now is the lack of qualified sponsors as well as lack of emphasis on this aspect of recovery. Of course it can be blamed on relatively short history of Korean recovery programs but also it is due to our ignorant attitude towards sponsorship. Dr. Hong has limited capacity and his no longer young anymore. And without successful sponsorship, our prayer could be end up
in vain. I hope everybody in his room become sponsor someday. (I’m not qualified yet though)

7. A Pressure Relief Group Meeting may help alleviate legal, financial, employment and personal pressures. Adherence to it will aid in your recovery In addition to opportunities for sponsorship, Pressure Relief Group meeting is one of the most
envious instrument in American GA for me. Let me explain a little bit about procedure. It is run by GA members with extreme discretion. It deals with not only financial problem ( because, for gamblers, financial problem seems always the major issue.) but also all sort of other problems like marital, employment, legal etc. Only requirements is at least 30 days of abstinence and if you have spouse or significant other who shares living expenses, they must present too. Even if one of my first motivation to attend GA meeting was getting this sort of help, I never tried Pressure Relief Group Meeting myself. If I tell you the truth, I did not want my wife be there. I could have lied to do it but I did not wanted to. According to other guys who have been through procedure, although it is not a silver bullet, it helps them a lot in every department of their lives.

Anyway, I don’t know any of this sort thing is going on in any Korean recovery groups and I wish, with preparation and practice, someday, we also equipped with this tool. Everyone of us must become a member of Pressure Relief Group Meeting. So help others.

8. Be patient. The days and weeks will pass soon enough, and as you regularly attend meetings, abstain from gambling and follow the guidelines on this page, you will experience continued recovery. I don’t really like the idea of days and weeks passing soon enough at first and still I don’t.. Since I already wasted so many days and weeks, this phrase always gets me sad. Like an old timer’s saying, I want to see my creator some day but I’m not in hurry for doing that. If you are in recovery, you will die. If you are not in recovery you will die too. Hundred years form now, I can guarantee most of us in this room won’t be around any more. Whole new gang of people will fill this room. This is a cold truth and the inescapable destination of human beings. Life is short and by sticking to above mentioned guidelines, let’s make best out of our lives while we are here.

Thank you very much. Happy recovery.